Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon.
Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that
Farmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day