Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd