@SalaciousSully

Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada

You Might Also Like

@CAshmanActor

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

@mrmakethings

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

@shawnspree

My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.

@tracietom

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

@kikdbakbitch

7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon.

Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.

@Elizasoul80

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

@mrjohndarby

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

@prufrockluvsong

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

@iamopeimu

My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day