Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

😂

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?