Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
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[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts