Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here