Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
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I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Haha good job!!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked