Dear Apple,

No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.

Thank you!

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Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.


Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?


ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…


Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments


My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.


Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.


I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.


To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt


“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”


What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.