Dear Apple,

No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.

Thank you!

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What do you call an upset reindeer?




Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.


Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.


There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.


You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*


Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]


God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.


Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.