@Bakari_Sellers

Dear Apple,

No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.

Thank you!

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@BGH70

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

@thr33circles

Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.

@WittySassBasket

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

@Laser_Cat

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

@NewDadNotes

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.