Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)