Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.