Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent