Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
incredible text to wake up to
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
based al yankovic
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.