Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)