Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
👾👾👾
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.