Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Me when I try to be useful

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

Skip intro

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

A sick whale is called an unwhale

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating