Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
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I remember when things only cost an arm.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Pringles
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.