Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Many hands make light work
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?