Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
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a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Got him!
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
