Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.