Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

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Morningbreath

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🤣🤣

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.