Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.