Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?