Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

Split the bill

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more