Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Need this in my life lol
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.