Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

*cough*

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”