Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
The pen is writier than the sword.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Cheer up.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.