Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

💯😂

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

Always the camel, never the toe.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.