Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Sponch
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
