Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

Dumplings,

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.