Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

3% human
97% stress

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.