Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.