Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house