Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.