Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints