Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.