Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

This did not end as expected.

is this a threat

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

She was REALLY feeling it.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

why would tinder want me to say this