Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Stop

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*