Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government