Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
bears
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.