Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
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I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Strangers have the best candy.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.