Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.