Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
no one ever comes back
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.