Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
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“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
How to draw a duck
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
felt cute might bury dad later idk
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.