Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

U talkin 2 me?

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….