Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.