Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Sponch
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.