When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
In Russia, Jesus finds you.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If Hillary wins in 2016, it’s gonna be a huge year for shoulder pads
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.