Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
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*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I needed a laugh this morning.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.