Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You Might Also Like
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
🤣
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon