Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Someone just threatened to call me later
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?