Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.