Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging