Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
a badder mouse
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.