Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.