Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.