Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, Iām still hereā¦
I mean, thereās food in my fridge š
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I did not take a DNA testā¦
Turns out Iām am 100% not caring what I amā¦
[candy store]
ME: Iād like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: Itās still inā¦
CLERK: Donāt
ME: ā¦mint condition.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, hereās your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know youāre stretching out his shirts every day?
Websites: āPlease choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing youāve used in the last 6 months.ā
ATMs: āFour numbers is cool.ā
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[murder scene]
detective: āshe drown?ā
cop: āafter a blow to the headā
d: āwhatās he doing?ā
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beachāYour rescue request is very important to usā¦ā
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: Iāve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult doesā¦an iced carrot cake muffin.
āI wasnāt born yesterday.ā
-hilarious talking baby
United States: Thereās 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I donāt have finger prints anymore.
Itās not condescending if theyāre stupid.
put āer there pardner!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Iām going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I donāt know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
People often act like they donāt hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wivesā approximations of human behavior
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: Youāre incredible, Gary