Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT