Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yup!

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT