Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap