Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”