Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

i hate you platonically

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.