Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day