Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
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Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
work smarter, not harder
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”