Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
guys I’m going home
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Remember folks 😂
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?