Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

As a doctor, I can confirm

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes