Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.