Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
No way!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.