Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?