Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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No one can handle that
This is the one
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more