Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

i really liked this one

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.