Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place