Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order