Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops