Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

then why did i get this email

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN